Tuesday, November 23, 2010

A Quiet Flame

"There can be no transforming of darkness into light and of apathy into movement without emotion." Carl Jung

With my first real holiday away from home just around the corner, I've been feeling lost and unsure of my emotions. My mind wanders without a defined direction and my motivation is somewhere lost on another day.
It's strange for me to think that my family will be together without me. I know that it will be hard for me, but what will it be like for them. Did I make enough of an addition to the family to feel like a gap when everyone gathers, and I am not there? That sounds like a terrible sentence, because honestly I know that I was a large enough part of the family to make a gap. Its just difficult for me to imagine what they are going through. How is me being away going to effect everyone's holidays?

I know that for this year everything is going to be a little shaken up, a little different from years past.

Its hard to imagine that just one person can have an effect on many, how bonds have been built and retained, over and through tough times... for example this adventure. I feel so thankful to have so many wonderful people in my life.
I got to skype with my family on Sunday evening (per norm) and my two best friends just happened to be there. I really miss the four of us together
I just miss having them around and the wonderful energy that surrounds us all, its almost like a bubble. Talking to them was good, just like old times. Yet, it was at the same time yanking a my heart, for I want to be with them. It was hard to watch them all be together without me.

And maybe it was that skype session that a lit the quite flame inside of me that now longs for home. For something familiar and for a break, a rest from my go go go life and the need to always pay attention.