Its strange how time changes somethings while to others it leaves them the same. While in this past year I have changed considerably, while almost nothing has changed here in Maine. Well sure... the pool may have new flags, or the construction project that began last summer is further along, but I thought something exciting might have happened here this year in correspondence with my exciting year abroad. Although deep down I knew that I was coming back to all the same things I had left.
I feel completely and utterly lost in my own home, in my own country. My first night in my house I actually was a bit scared. The house is so big and my bed room is like an elephant compared to my mouse sized room in Spain. Its as though I don't know the house or the neighborhood, yet everything is so familiar. I went out to run errands for my mom the other day, after my family finally convinced me to get back behind the wheel again, and I felt like I was running errands on Mars. I had no idea what I was doing, I was wandering around in a daze and had to think before I spoke other wise everything would have came out in Spanish. I've had times when I get frustrated that no one speaks Spanish. I can't express myself the same. I'm speaking in English but the words come out in the Spanish order. I'm a mess.
My room has been a mess since I got home, and it even overwhelms me to try and clean it up, so it is being organized little by little. I've found that about half of the stuff in my room I want to get rid of. I'm ready to reinvent my personal space, bring in my new and improved self.
I can't say its not nice to be home, because, in a way it is. Although when people tell me its so "great to have [me] back," I can't respond that its great to be back, because I really had a great thing going over there. I felt like I fit in.
I've kind of been avoiding blogging, because I, myself am having a very difficult time deciding how I feel and it doesn't seem fair to me to be writing to you guys about how I feel, when I'm not really sure of how I feel.
I'm going to pace the exporting of my emotions in the posts so keep your self up dated and I promise the days in between posts will shorten.