Sunday, June 12, 2011

17 and Confused

Seventeen is definitely not your normal age to have lived in a different country for 9 months and to have created a whole new life for yourself. Nor is it the age to have to say goodbye.

I'm still astonished at how fast 9 months has all of the sudden turned into 13 days. I remember the 15th of September as thought it was yesterday. Me sitting all by myself in my room, preparing to leave and trying to soak up everything, have it become a part of me so that I would always have a bit of home for when the times got rough. I remember picking my sister up from school and us all eating lunch in the car while driving down to Boston. And then came the goodbye... I remember it seeming easier for me to say goodbye than it was for them, although deep down, pieces were falling apart. I remember me being the strongest 16 year old self I could be when I watched my life walk out the door, and a new one waiting for me in the room right behind me. And that's when it all began...

Now here I am so close to seeing my family, yet so far away from everything. It is scary to think of what is to come, and the worst part is that I have no idea where I stand emotionally, I am totally and utterly lost. I don't know if I want to be there or if I want to be here. One moment here the next there. I want one thing from here and another from there. I want people from here and people from there. I feel as though I'm lost somewhere in outer space, with my life flying towards me at top speed, yet I'm just struggling to get rid of the blind fold and figure out what I want.

I am 100% lost in an emotional battle...


  1. Heather--
    What you are feeling makes total sense. My advice to you is to not fight it. Be with whatever you are feeling at each moment. Dont question it or struggle against it. Just notice how you are feeling, and when it changes, notice the changes. Each feeling makes sense and remember that feelings are always temporary. They are bound to change one moment to the next. So just be with each moment. Before you know it, this time with pass, and you will wish you were more in the present during your last few weeks. You are coming home to Maine no matter what, so just notice that part of you wants to stay in Spain. Remember that you can stay in touch and visit again. You touched so many people's lives and they will miss you. You will also miss them. And you will carry this experience for the rest of your life. cherish these intense feelings, even if they are uncomfortable. They are a sign that you fully immersed yourself in your new life. I am SO happy for you.
    Sorry to go on too long -- I know you are going to get through this all fine. But I hope you will think about what I am saying.
    I love you!
    love, connie

  2. Hi Heather! Yes, I second those wise words from Connie. You express your emotional tumult so well I can feel it. Savor these remaining days and know that though it will never be the same, this experience will be with you forever and will be a springboard for you in all your future endeavors and adventures (both state-side and abroad - sounds like you'll probably return there someday...!). Have fun showing M2HO around and sharing your Spain life with them in real-time! I love you tons and look forward to seeing you later this summer.